1. Your shoes are 5 years old

Changing the sole of your official shoes 3 times for “rebranding” is not a good sign.
Yes, they looked nice when they were still new but man oh man….they are wrinkled and hardened with years of serving you. Your expertise in brushing them no longer has sway… it is worse when your female friends point out that you have just refused to buy new shoes. You might sheepishly say that you like them but, the thin layer of water that forms in your eyes as you explain betrays you. You swallow hard…and walk away. They laugh hysterically.You can’t look back.

                     2. You take KDF for breakfast

When other people are waking up to a rich and heavy breakfast of scrambled eggs, pieces of loaf dipped in honey and cups of cappuccino….you will rush to the shop just across the road from your tiny single-room house in Kayole to pick two hard cube-shaped mandazis commonly known as KDF. You will chew them with difficulty as they are harder than  rocks in Masai Mara. You will bitterly accompany the KDF with a cup of “strong tea” and continue lamenting in poverty. You will only starting feeling pangs of hunger at 3:30pm…

  • You clearly have an emergence and you need to send Kshs.500 through M-pesa but you will confirm 7 times and even request for a note book to write down the phone number of the recipient. And you confirm again, this time…checking each number more keenly. You will insist on calling the recipient to confirm whether he or she has received the money. You will then leave the Mpesa joint obviously worried and trying to figure out why you and money became enemies. 

            4.You buy mboga once in 2 days.

The word “waste” lost meaning in your life. Your excuse will be “uchumi ni mbaya”. All “mama mboga” in the ghetto gossip about your unique insistence on Sukuma wiki of kshs.30, a single tomato and several pilipilis…no onions or any other fanceful ingredient…then you disappear for 2 days. They don’t know that your budget demands that the Sukuma wiki should serve lunch, supper and the next day’s lunch. Changing the menu to eggs/beef and ugali is a luxury you can’t afford. It is until you accidentally meet a longtime lady friend in town who will insist on having chips with kuku that life becomes bitter. You will happily buy her the meal and laugh loudly throughout but on reaching home….you will curse yourself and life for a whole week for allegedly misusing money! You won’t forget…

                               5.You insist on PSV vehicles instead of taking Uber
It is raining and everyone from the office is taking an Uber but you can’t. You just won’t “spoil” money. You suddenly decide to finish some non-existent work just to avoid them…it is when everyone has left and you remain with the watchman that you begin calculating your next move. Either way, you will walk in the rain to OTC bus station and seat quietly in one of those noisy Kayole buses amidst the occasional dirty glances from slayqueens and other concerned people who fear that you will faint from cold as you will be soaked in water.  The heavy traffic jam will ensure you arrive at 12:09 am. You will need to wake up at 4:00 am in the morning to catch the first bus to town and avoid the morning rush.

                                                6. A curtain divides your kitchen and bedroom
Your house keeps no secrets. You cleverly dug two nails at opposite corners of your house with a rope tied on both ends to support your blue curtain. Thus, you managed to separate the bedroom from the kitchen. Since the bed often acts as your seat when you are cooking, the curtain has to be pulled up…you occasionally put sufurias and your 6kg gas on the bed in order to clean the house. No one from the office has ever visited you…you have invented 13 excuses that you keep changing whenever someone asks to visit you. 



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