Will I forgive her?

I came in just when their lips were touching. It was a calm kiss that sent a clear message between the two liars as if to say “I love you”. The guy was Felix my friend since Campus and the lady was Queenter my fiancée.

I emotionlessly stood still looking at their direction as one in a trance. I wouldn’t have told you what I was thinking about. I was questioning whether they were the same people I had known for years. My first thought was to rush at Felix with murderous blows and kicks before turning to my other betrayer with 2 acrobatic kicks which I was sure could have easily done the job.

They sat comfortably on the left corner of Java House. They were seated at a private wing that is slightly hidden from the main entrance.

I couldn’t have thought of going there had not my colleagues insisted on having a quiet lunch. It was the only available Java House along Lenana road and we usually had our late lunches there. Though for the first time in a long time, we left the office for lunch at around 3:30pm.

It is Queenter who first noticed me.

Our eyes met and remained interlocked.

Even Felix had to turn and see what had pulled her attention away as one who had experienced a deadly heart attack. When he saw me, he panicked and almost jumped out of the window. I saw him literally looking for an exit but there was none.

So, he just sat and looked the opposite way, turning his back on me.

I took a huge step towards them in haste and fierce anger. I was going in for a quick kill. It is because of that blind leap that I aggressively pushed a table that was just in front of me while crisscrossing towards my enemies. Two things happened; first, a lady’s glass tipped over and her drink- Dawa soaked her clothes. Secondly, I don’t know how two of my colleagues managed to hold me before I got to Felix and Queenter. They struggled to pull me back and out of the room.

I didn’t turn to apologize to the lady whose drink I had spilled or even talk to the security personnel who had joined my colleagues to try and calm me down. My eyes were on the two betrayers.

Because of the commotion, everyone’s attention was on me but for some strange reason, they perfectly understood why I was agitated. The lady whose drink I had spilled shouted, ” hold on son, it shall be fine”. She was more caring than that imbecile of a woman and the conman who had made me believe that he was my friend. Judas Iscariot!

I don’t know how we got to the office neither do I know when I got home. I only remember packing and carrying my laptop from my office desk. I might have driven towards home but changed my course and entered one of those pubs at Westlands just to pick one or two bottles. I didn’t leave.

I ordered for three tots of Johnnie Walker-Black Label, iced….and “threw” them one by one in quick intervals. [Nikarusha]. I smoothened the tots with a few more bottles of Guinness.

This was the first time I was drinking after 4 months and 6 days of striving to be sober. I had made up my mind never to even associate with people who drunk. The alcohol should have had a greater impact on my rather virgin body but, inasmuch as I drained all those bottles, I wouldn’t get drunk enough to drain my heartbrokenness.

Everything was adding up slowly and I knew that Queenter and Felix had exchanged more than kisses.

I should have read the signs! Ghai, it was so painful.

I had loved her so much.

I had aligned my life to hers and not once did I imagine that she could do such a thing.

Those who saw me still narrate how I shed tears and mourned like a baby in the pub. However, they were calmed down by the fact that I bought drinks twice for everyone.

 It is at that time also that exploitative prostitutes took advantage and insisted on “softening” me. I later woke up at 12 am the next morning with two brown ladies besides me in bed. They hadn’t covered themselves and insisted on showing their voluminous thighs and other unmentionables. They had no shame left in them.

As soon as they realized that I was awake, they began touching me suggestively. They were mostly interested in one particular part. That’s when I realized that I was stark naked.

The first thing that came into my mind was -HIV/AIDS. I had forgotten about my heartbreak.

I took a moment to recollect myself and rediscover why two strange women were in my bed as opposed to my fiancée, Queenter. I was literally struggling to remember what had happened. I had to wait for a couple of seconds to recall.

Oooh, it is me…I found them kissing enhe, went to the office…enhe…. and had beer, then? Then mmmnh, then what happened…. I remembered nothing else. The strange thoughts about HIV/AIDS came back again just when one of the ladies was tearing a condom. I immediately jumped out of bed. In a matter of minutes, I had gone to my Mshwari and paid them Kshs. 14,000. I didn’t like the argument they had brought about sijui how many times! I saw the sensitive neighbours pulling their curtains to look as the two bubbly senoritas walked away from my house giggling excitedly perhaps because of the money they had harvested from me.

I sat on the bed trying to understand how my life had changed just within 24 hours. On the wall, I saw a picture of Queenter and I seated on a Maasai shuka, looking into each other lovingly. We took that picture at Karura forest during our second anniversary. From the position I sat, I could see some of her clothes and staff all over the house. I could also tell that she hadn’t come back home that day because everything was as the previous day when we left.

Queenter worked as a software Engineer for an American Firm at Westlands. It was actually her third month at her work place. She is the one who had insisted that we get a house at Wangige- towards those sides of lower Kabete. She claimed to like the place so much and that it could have been easier for her to get to work. However, I had to drop her at her work place before proceeding to Dennis Pritt where I worked as a Media Consultant for a famous Media company located there.

I want you to remember that I am the one who connected her for the job through a friend I had met at a media briefing. She was not even interviewed! It was the first job she had gotten 3 years after graduating from University of Nairobi. As you can tell, I was the one who paid all the bills and took care of all her wants. I had visited her parents like any responsible young man for what we could call “introductions”. I was in the process of arranging for dowry and at the same time, saving for a low-key wedding. She was quite used to my mum and sister. There were times she could visit them and stay for around 3 days.

As for this other fellow Felix, who I was going to kill anyway…. we had met at Chiromo Campus in our first year. We even stayed together for one semester before he transferred to main Campus. We were reunited at a friend’s party and got close again. He visited almost every weekend even when I was away. I had stupidly trusted him. He also had a girlfriend; a beautiful young quiet lady who spoke sparingly. The four of us were like a family and so I thought.

Looking back to those days, I think all the signs were right there on my face. Why was I too blind to see?

For instance, there is this guy who texted Queentertoo much. Whenever she was on phone, I could almost bet that she was talking to him. He was saved as JJ. I might have asked her why this JJ called and texted a lot…. she brought the phone to my face and opened their WhatsApp conversation for me to read. She left the phone where I sat and told me to give it back when I was done. I should have gone through the conversation, instead I ran after her apologizing and claiming that I fully trusted her and that I was “just asking” [nilikuwa nauliza tu]. “She forgave me.” I told you, I was stupid.

On another occasion, I might have come home and found Felix lying carelessly on the sofa set. They were hugging. I was so sure that that hug had been longer than at least 5 minutes.

I got jealous.

I asked what was going on. Felix answered, ” bro, my only uncle has died!” I started consoling him. Nkt. I don’t remember getting an invitation to the burial ceremony! He didn’t even mention his “dead” uncle again!

Either way, so many thoughts passed through my mind as I remembered how I met Queenter, right to the previous day when I found her cheating on me. When I got to the part of her kissing Felix, I threw the glass I had in my hand at the wall in blinding rage. It was too painful to imagine that another man had slept with my fiancée. It hurt so much.

There are very few instances when a man is supposed to cry. This was one of them.

As the tears were rolling down my wet bearded cheeks, Queenter and Felix were pulling over at our compound accompanied by two vehicles. One was a police land rover and the other was a moving truck. When I answered the door, one of the policemen [they were four] informed me that the two had come for their belongings. Until then, I had been living with only Queenter. I didn’t know what belongings Felix had in my house.

One police man sensed that I was becoming more agitated and that soon, I would erupt. He cocked his gun and raised it strategically at a position where he would be able to act quickly in case I did something stupid. I walked back in silently as I lit a cigarette from a packet I had in my pocket.

Queenter stole several looks even as she quickly ferried her bags to the Moving truck. She had never seen me smoke but, who cared? Adulterers aren’t supposed to care. They don’t care.

She went for the 56 inch Samsung TV she had bought and had Felix carry it out. She picked her wall photos too. Meanwhile, I was seated still on the sofa set with one of the policemen keeping an angular eye just in case I rushed and took one of their guns and shot the adulterers.

When they were satisfied that they had carried everything they needed, they left the house in silence. I didn’t even close the door.

Imagine that just the other night, Queenter and I had been living in this house doing everything that married people do. Barely 24 hours later, she had openly kissed a man and moved out of the house possibly to the man’s apartment. How do you think that made me feel?

I will never ever forget the coincidence…that, Adele’s song “never mind I will find someone like you…” was playing on Homeboyz Radio. It is as if Adele had been in the same situation like me.

I went into the bedroom and changed before leaving out for yet another drinking spree. I drank myself out the entire week. My aim was to be too intoxicated to think. I didn’t want that painful thing stinging me and the mocking satanic voice that always reminded me how I had been cheated on.

The office management called severally and warned me through emails. My colleagues tried to cover up for me with several well-crafted stories ranging from… “he has been so sick. His blood sugar levels are too high. He got an accident. It is his dying grandmother who called him.”

When my immediate boss called to check on me, I accidentally picked his phone. I was at a club partying. He heard the music. He read my tone and made conclusions. I wasn’t shocked to get a call the next day from the HR manager informing me of the termination of my contract. I abused her and hang up.

I literally became an alcoholic. I had a bottle of Guinness strategically placed at various places for a quick sip, even in my toilet.

I didn’t realize that I was also fast becoming. I might have cheaply sold my Toyota Premio at Kshs. 550,000 when I had bought it at 1.2 Million less than a year before. All the money went into parting and gambling.

I also thought that I had fallen in love with another lady called Scolah. She moved in after just 2 weeks of knowing each other. We were moving on well until one day she brought two boys who resembled her. I found them each tucked in bed in two of the other bedrooms. They were almost 10 and 8 years old. I feared that they could ask for inheritance from me in just a few years. They left after two days.

I met Miriam at a Casino in Hurligham. She was always dressed immaculately. She had this aura of richness around her. She was humble and cool. I had seen her too close to rich Chinese chain smokers. I quickly seduced her and took her home. She gladly agreed to permanently move in with me. We actually clicked well and for about 2 months everything seemed okay. One day, the land lady came knocking at our door. I had forgotten to pay rent on several occasions. She wanted me out. She left the two months’ notice letter on the doorstep.  The next day Miriam had disappeared. Her clothes and other belongings had also disappeared with her. When I met her at another casino at Westlands, she didn’t seem to recognize me. She acted as if she had never seen me in her life. I no longer cared. After all, a beautiful prostitute had already taken her position beside me.

Before the 3 months’ notice had elapsed, my mum visited me without an appointment. It was on a Wednesday, 3rd June 2017. I will never forget.

I opened the door while wearing only my underwear and came face to face with my smiling mum. I ducked like a cat and dashed straight to the bedroom to put on clothes. It is still an abomination for a real African man to be seen by his mother in his nakedness. Forget Alejandro and Ricardo from those unique Mexican Movies.

Because of the rush I was in to dress, the prostitute I had for the night, followed me to the sitting room.

My mum saw her.

She smiled again.

Those who know mama will tell you that it is better for her to scold you, abuse you or even beat you. It is worse when she smiles at your stupidity.

I froze, purely out of the respect I had for her.  

I had sold almost all my house stuff so she had to seat on one of the two plastic chairs that had remained and were in the sitting room. She never said much. When she spoke, her words came out with a deep sorrowful tone; accompanied with tears. Yet she was still smiling. I was more hurt. I couldn’t take it, seeing my beloved mama cry.

 I went and knelt before her and told her that I wanted to change.

She said, “sonny, who will bury you when you die? I am too old now!”

With those words, she left even though I begged her to stay. I apologized severally for mistakes I didn’t even know myself.

You could understand the pain of my mother. She had brought us up under strict religious practices in the SDA church. As a child, I was known for cramming and reciting several Bible texts. As a youth leader of our church, I had preached severally; mostly against adultery and other sexual sins. Yes, I know that I had fallen into sin by drinking alcohol and living with a woman before marriage, but I am sure Jesus would forgive me. Plus, I had stopped drinking and was thinking of rebaptism when I found my fiancée and Felix kissing.

For some strange reason, with some other level of vision, I saw myself. I looked at myself again. It is as if I didn’t know who I was. What happened to me? Honestly, I hadn’t lived the past 9 months. Something in my mother’s voice had brought me back to life.

In the self-interrogation I had, I noticed that I had several debts mostly from my former workmates who had lent me money out of sympathy. I also realized that other than a bed and a few utensils, I had nothing left in the house. I was also emaciated and weak.

I don’t know why I had gotten myself into such a mess just because someone’s daughter had left me. How did I lose it so fast?

I made a resolution to change my life. I started by looking for a small bed sitter at Kawangware 56. I could still afford the Kshs. 4, 300 that the landlord charged. When I transferred my bed there, it almost covered the entire room. I sold it and got a cheap smaller 3 by 6 bed and kept the balance for other useful things. In just one week after my mum’s sudden visit, I was totally changed.

To beat the strong urge of going back to alcohol, I started drinking a lot of bone soup and keeping myself busy at the gym and at Newspaper stalls when I had nothing to do. The other remaining time, I spent it at cyber cafes applying for various jobs.

Yes, I got an offer 13 times lower than my former pay but I gladly took it. I was now a proud cyber attendant. By the 7th week, I was visiting with mum and updating her on my progress.

 She gave me Kshs. 50,000 in cash. I love you mum.

Within 11 months, I had a better job at another Media station, I was seeing a psychologist to help me settle down, I now lived in a one bedroomed house at Jamhuri, I had a Mazda Demio car and a girl friend called Suzanna. I have never looked back again since then but, that was about 3 years ago.

Yesterday, I met my ex-fiancée, Queenter. Or should I say she met me; simply because she came looking for me at the office. Yes, I have my own office now because I founded a consultant firm. After such great efforts one has to allocate himself a good office.

Well, she found me in a meeting with representatives of companies we work for. I hear that she had to wait for about three hours 10 minutes. The secretary informed me immediately after the meeting that someone wanted to urgently see me. She mentioned her name and I agreed to see her.

When she walked into my office, I immediately saw how unfairly the world had treated her. The attractive size 8 body she had had been replaced by a strange uninformed figure. Her stomach was a little bigger showing evidently that she must have had a baby or babies. Her face looked tired under the heavy make-up she had used to try and salvage her long gone beauty.

After persuading her to stop crying, I heard her say, ” I still love you.”