Heartbreaks (for those who have experienced them) can be nightmares, injurious, murderous and suicide notes. They seem to shake you to the deepest part of the marrow and expose your weakness for the world to see…This is when Churchill and his entire team become boring and mere commentators. I have seen men loose appetite even when served with goat ribs. No wonder ladies have coined several ways of making this experience easier for men…These types of slay queens have discovered 4 hidden ways to solve this issue amicably.
1. The silencers
These daughters of men are creative. They will come up with every kind of excuse including sending you a text to inform you that they have died and that they won’t be available for love. There are extreme cases where these ladies will seek the services of another person to call you on the supposed day of burial..In the background, hired drama artists will wail and cry bitterly. Your heart will be broken but you will somehow understand that death is a natural way of life. You will only be shocked to find her waking up from Jemo’s house the next morning.
2. The bloggers
These slay queens have invented clever methods of leaving no evidence of any relationship history behind. No one will ever trace that she was once your girlfriend. No one can even believe that you have ever met in life. She will start by blocking you from any known social media platform. She will then change her name from “Babe Cute” to “Sweet Beb”…brother, you can search her out for a month and never find her anywhere. Your once common friends will be hers alone. Her story of how you messed her up will pull 80% of your common friends to her side…the rest(mostly men) will join her just in case of an opportunity. If they don’t block you, they will write heart rending posts on social media accusing you of infidelity and murder. Some of these posts will be accompanied with selfies capturing them shedding tears. They will even tempt the CID to investigate this issue. You will have no choice other than to distance yourself…
3. The body guards moguls
These types are very rough…they immediately befriend red-eyed rasta men from Kayole. They always insist on walking around with them…these heavy bodied, big chested and voluminous men with small buttocks have a way of scaring you. I wonder why these ladies force greetings each time they meet you in the estate; especially when the bodyguards report for duty during the weekends. Men are never intimidated by the size of the muscles of their ex-lovers. It is for the sake of peace that they leave these 24 hour gym enthusiasts to have their ex-girlfriend…these weaklings have a saying “if it is yours, it will come back to you”
Before they leave you, they conspire with their family members to say that you impregnated her but you are unwilling to take responsibility. A meeting will be held and chaired by the ruthless aunt in those awkward spectacles which are normally laid on the nose. The CID will be called…the president will be informed. The constitution will be read to you. Then you will be asked to make a decision…before you even open your mouth to speak. The aunt will suggest to make things easier for you…she will give you an option of walking away because her niece “is not ready for marriage”. Your dear girlfriend will gladly agree and say goodbye…After one year, you will still be waiting for her to give birth….keep waiting.